I had a nice, relaxing, and lazy Mother's Day. I woke up to Madison and Kennedy too excited to wait another minute to show me all the things they made for me. Soooo cute! Then Matt made us breakfast, and I went back to sleep for an hour, except that hour turned into 5 and we ended up missing church. The weather was gorgeous, so we had a picnic at the park & just spent the day together. It was lovely. I was about to go to bed when I got a text from Madison's teacher who I adore and love. She is about 32 weeks pregnant. Her text said that she wanted to let me know her baby's heart had stopped beating, she would have to deliver him still born & not to send out the baby shower invitations I had just made. I read it and let out a bit of a scream waking Matt up. I think I read it 5 more times because I was sure I had read it wrong. No, I didn't read it wrong. My heart is broken for her, I know everything is suppose to happen for a reason and there's always the fact that "families are forever", and maybe that's comforting her right now, I pray that it is, but it sure isn't comforting me. She asked me to go in and tell the kids in her class so they know why she wouldn't be there for atleast the coming week. This baby has become part of their class. We've watched her grow from week to week with that smile that lights up the room. Every time I'm in the class someone is rubbing her belly or talking about her baby. So it's no surprise how hard it was to tell them & see the sadness on their faces. I barely got through it and left in tears, tears that just haven't stopped! I have this empty pit in my stomatch & it's all I can think about. Knowing that's how I feel, I can only imagine her pain. I can't stop wondering, why??? I guess my faith must be weak right now, but I hope and pray for her and her family that their's is strong. I just love her, she is such an amazing, beautiful person. Please say a little prayer for her and her family that when they are ready, the pain of losing him will be replaced only with the love of knowing him. It is with great sorrow that I share the first song on my playlist (I will carry you by Selah) and the following poem in loving memory of:
Zachary Tucker Petersen
Stillborn on May 10th 7:10p.m.
3 pounds 3 ounces 17 inches
Our heart and prayers are with you Katie!
I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, and I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
11 comments:
Such a beautiful, perfect poem. Now I am in tears. Our prayers are with Katie and her family.
Mikki that is so horrible :( Let Katie know she will be in my prayers as well even though I don't know her of course. Loved the poem. Thank you for sharing. I hope peace is able to heal her heart when she is ready.
Oh man I just got finished reading Shelly Halls blog about a baby loss and then I read yours and I'm just crying my eyes out. a girl in our ward had the same thing. She has 2 girls both by artificial insemination and then miscarried twice last year and was pregnant and suppose to go in and find out what it was, but lost it like two days before. It kills me that they then have to deliver the sweet thing. Then she gets home and her milk comes in and she has nothing to nurse. I hate it hate it hate it and can't figure out why it is all around us! Sooooooo sad
You know I have her in my thoughts right now also. Thanks for sharing her story, Mikki. You are a great friend for her to lean on right now!
I understand how you feel and what Katie is feeling. On Sep 16 1999 Cory and I lost our first little girl at 22 weeks. It was nice to know that she was needed some were else more then here on earth, but it is hard.Let Katie know that we are thinking of her and her family at this time.
I debated weather or not I wanted to read this post. I cried through the whole thing. But thanks Mikki for posting this the poem was so wonderful and reminded me that we have a loving Father in Heaven. I pray that your friend will find peace and comfort!!
Mikki, Thank you so much for your post. While it made my cry my eyes out again, it made me happy to know that you care so much. I am not gonna lie, I got to a point where I got so sick of people telling me that I would be able to raise him one day and that he is still my son that I almost wanted to scream. I know all of that but it still sucks that I don't have him with me right now. I still need to be sad about it and be able to grieve. At times though it does bring me great comfort to know that he is my baby and will always be. I think it is so interesting that you picked that picture to put on your blog with that post. Tagg and I were thinking about buying that exact picture to honor Zach. We think he would look like this little boy in a few years. That poem just breaks my heart but I loved it. I think I will copy it if you don't mind. I didn't listen to the song yet because I don't know if I am ready for that. Music usually brings me to tears faster than anything. Thank you so much for all your help and support. I know it wasn't really fair to ask you to tell the kiddos about Zach, but I thought it would be better coming from you than it would from someone they didn't know. Thank you again for everything!
Oh, and I forgot to tell you. We had the doctor re-weigh him because we just kept looking at him and thinking there is no way he was only 1 lb 11 oz. They re-weighed him twice to make sure and he was 3 lbs 3 oz. Weird, but true.
MIKKI - This is Katie's mother. She told me about your blog and I had to come here and read your words. I am bawling my eyes out right now. The song is so perfect and the poem so touching. I have a picture in my mind of Katie's darling little students and how sad they must have been to hear about the loss of her baby. I am glad I got to see them when I was visiting last week and also that I got to meet you. Please know how grateful I am for these beautiful comments and for your loving support of Katie.
What a beautiful entry. I'm so sorry for Madison's teacher's loss. It must have been hard for you to have to tell the class. The poem and the picture both made me cry! Hope all the kids and her teacher are doing well now.
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